It would be unfair of me to suggest that owners buy big yachts as an extension to their private parts but it is a fact that some do like to prove that theirs is bigger than the next guy’s. Their yacht, that is. And so it was with Harvey, an American owner I worked for during the 1990’s.
Harvey was a self made man. He was in the nightclub business and as a result lived a nocturnal existence. When his boat was in the Med we seldom saw him before 6 pm. The stewardesses served him breakfast just before 10 pm after which, he would leave the yacht to return some 8 hours later usually with a lady in tow. Normally it is the crew’s job to buy the morning papers but Harvey never came back from his nightly excursions without a copy of the daily paper for me, his Captain.
Although Harvey enjoyed his yacht he never seemed at ease on board. The closest he ever came to it, was during the winter seasons when we were invariably based in the Caribbean. We would hang around in the Virgin Islands awaiting his phone call telling us, he was about to visit. We then quickly docked in Crown Bay on St Thomas and Harvey would arrive late in the evening, eat dinner and relax.
If women were Harvey’s first love, then baseball was his second. One of the first rules I ever learned was that wherever I anchored, reception on the satellite TV had to be perfect. If I could not guarantee it, I had to find a marina dock with cable TV points and believe me, this was not an easy task in the Caribbean. During one particularly important season of games our entire cruising programme revolved around ensuring we could get back to Antigua for the crucial games. So important where they, that we hired the dock for the entire season, just to ensure we had a TV hook up when we needed it. We would do short trips to Anguilla, St Barts and Monserat but always staying within easy reach of our dock in Falmouth Harbour, Antigua.
One day we were on the short passage from Sint Maarten to St Barts when Harvey called me to the stern deck. There I found him, resplendent in his smoking jacket open to the waist his neck cluttered with medallions. “Captain I wanna a word with you,” he said puffing on his cigar and taking a slug of brandy. “I wanna tell you about tomorrow’s big game, have you checked the dock?”
I assured him I had spoken with Carlo at the marina and no one was in our berth. Harvey seemed happy and the voyage continued without incident. Next day we moved to Antigua and were in our allocated berth in plenty of time for the game but Carlo had bad news for us. The cable system was down. We would have to rely on our satellite TV system to receive the crucial broadcast. I got Joey, my Chief Engineer, on the job who quickly assured me that the signal was good.
Everything went well until 20 minutes into the game when another yacht began backing onto the dock alongside us. I checked the orientation of the satellite and was relieved to note that her being there would not cause us a reception problem. I returned to my desk and balancing the ships accounts.
During the advert break Harvey looked up, noticed the new comer and went on deck to take a look. Now to Harvey, size really matters and he quickly perceived that the new yacht was several metres longer than his but rather than show jealousy, Harvey feigned disinterest and returned to his ball game.
A few minutes later Harvey’s familiar cry came fizzing down the wires: “Captain get your arse up here; the picture’s gone”.
I quickly called Joey to check the system and went out on deck where I caught the eye of the Captain aboard my new neighbour.
“We have just lost our satellite TV picture,” I confessed. “Can you check yours to see if it’s still working?” I asked.
“No need, you have just fallen into the shadow of my cone of impedance and you won’t be able to get a picture” he said with a know-it-all shrug.
“What the devil, is a cone of impedance?” I asked.
“Its a security device we have at the top of our mast. It transmits a cone shaped radio signal that shields the entire yacht against attack from missiles and that sort of stuff” he said nonchalantly.
“Oh great” I said, my heart sinking as I sloped off to explain to Harvey. He took it quite well given that he could not now watch his team fight back from their losing position and quickly picked up on the missile explanation.
“Ya mean, if we had one, we would be a whole heap safer from incoming attack?” queried Harvey.
“Looks that way Sir,” I replied, grateful he seemed to have forgotten the baseball.
“We oughta have one,” he said, “get right on it”
“Yes Sir,” I said and went straight off to quiz my new neighbour.
It seemed that the system could be installed for less than a quarter of a million in less than two days, providing we were in Fort Lauderdale. Within hours of hearing this, Harvey was flying home and we were sailing to Florida.
Harvey’s first words on his return as we prepared to sail from Fort Lauderdale to the Bahamas, were “Does it work?” and “Is it on?”
“Yes Sir,” I said, not wanting to explain why the budget for both time and installation costs had hugely escalated.
“Well come on then, lets sail for Nassau I have a hot date there tonight,” he commanded.
I conned the 50 metre motor yacht out through the narrow entrance of Port Everglades, set course for Nassau and pushed the telegraph to full ahead.
We arrived on time and berthed in a great position. Harvey was delighted and clearly looking forward to his forthcoming conquest. “Is the impedance thingy working?” he asked.
“Sure is Sir,” I reported back as Harvey wandered onto the sundeck with cell phone in hand. Just moments later the peace was shattered once again by those immortal words: “Captain get your arse up here; my cell phone ain’t working”.
Back on deck, I explained to Harvey what the problem was. “You see Sir,” I began, “the sun deck falls into the shadow of your cone of impedance and you won’t be able to get a signal.”
Harvey’s neck started to turn a disturbing shade of beetroot. “Captain, get your arse up the mast, switch the bloody thing off and never switch it on again when I am on board”.
“Very good Sir,” I said and sped off to comply.
